Update

I know its been a while since I have posted anything.... Being a mom can get really busy sometimes... and things just fall to the waist side....

Update: I found out on March 28th that we are expecting our long awaited bundle of joy. Our due date is Dec 7th. YAY!!!! Today I am 14 weeks.... and in my 2nd trimester.... I am sporting my baby bump proudly... :)

We have an ultrasound on July 3rd... and if the baby cooperates we will find out if its a boy or a girl!!! I am so excited and cant wait.... :)

2nd Round of Clomid

So this month I started my second round of Clomid. I am currently 6DPO. On 4DPO I had some cramping that would not release, the cramping continued for about 45 mins. Then on 5DPO I felt twinges in my uterus. If I could imagine what electric twinges in your uterus would feel like, that would be it. That was off and on most of the day. I also felt some pulling and heaviness. Today at 6DPO I felt more "electric" twinges and had some very light spotting. Not sure if it was implantation bleeding or not. I am trying not to be hopeful because I am afraid that it will end in heart break. But I was reminded by a friend that it is okay to be hopeful. God knows the desires of my heart, and He is faithful to provide them.

I also received a text message from my mom, who also is my pastor. That message said "Your break through us in the way because your redeemer lives!"

Now this means so much to me. My mom does not text message me while I am at work very often. Let alone text message me messages like this. Needless to say I was in tears. Oh God, how I yearn and ache to expand my family. How I long to be pregnant and bear a child. Please help us. For it is only you that can bless us with a child to expand our family. Amen,

What TTC is like.....

Here is a little comparison to what I feel TTC is like.... (get ready to laugh)

TTC is like a child on Christmas morning. We wait all night for Santa to come. We go to bed early in hopes that Santa will soon arrive and leave us our special and prized loot. We wake up extra early in the morning, before anyone could muster a "get back to bed" and "OOOHHH" and "AAAHHHHH" over what is under our tree. We run and wake EVERYONE up , just so we can undo that beautiful wrapping. The first gift we choose, the excitement and anticipation is built, we open it up only to find.... pants. The next gift anticipation and excitment builds again only to find..... a shirt. And this journey continues until that last present. Its hidden way behind the christmas tree. You know..... the one where you have to get on your belly and scoot under the tree..... and stretch every muscle in your body, you stretch your finger tips.... and.... you..... got.... it!! There now its in your hands... Now for you, your a little weary to open the gift, because time after time it has not met your anticipations. So, with a reluctant heart you open it. Only to find that the gift, that precious little trinket that awaits your glimpse, is the very gift you have been waiting all night and all morning to open.

The only difference between Christmas and TTC, is that the gifts are pregnancy test. And the "Giver" is God.

Sunday's Healing Service

I know we all want things in our timing, but I am learning even with medical help it is still in God's hands... That doesnt mean that I dont take my medicine, it just means that I dont put ALL of my FAITH in medicine. I can use the medicine and still put my faith in God.

Yesterday at church we had a Healing Service for Lent. I started my Clomid on Friday. So needless to say I am already emotional . I cried the WHOLE SERVICE. Like in tears looking for kleenex anywhere, crying. (there were no kleenex to be found btw) But I felt a sense of physical healing throughout the service, and something in my lower abdomen actually popped (kinda like a giant bubble that burst, but it didn’t hurt) It was actually a little weird, and I haven’t told anyone about that. But I feel like God was healing what medicine had not found.

When the pastor (my mom) gave an alter call for people to come up and receive prayers of healing... my husband and I went up for prayer. During prayer my mom looks at me and says "It’s already on the way" (I was bawling) But I left service yesterday feeling renewed, refreshed, and hopeful!!! What an amazing God we serve, for He loves us so much that he knows our heart and our plans, and still says "Baby, let me do this for you. Let me bless you"

It still hurts sometimes, but I know God's plan is better than my own. We are so blessed to be loved by such an amazing God!

Letting go, and trusting God!

My temp has dropped a lot so I am pretty sure that I am out. AF should be here tomorrow. But you know what I'm okay with it. This weekend I have realized that I had my hopes in the wrong thing. The only thing I should have my hopes in is God! I still need to take my meds and follow what the dr says and leave it at that. So next cycle is going to be different.

I am only temping to confirm O, after that no more. It was way to stressful for me. I need to learn to just let it go.

Its ok. Im really ok.... Now that I had this weekend to think and meditate on whats really going on.

I truly feel like God is allowing this to take longer so that way He can refine my heart and make it even bigger, so that I can love another child as much as I love my daughter and my best friend. As hard as it is for me to say, I think this is the best way God could do that. Maybe the only way. Everything happens for a reason, and I really believe this is only part of the reason. The other part is that I have been putting my hopes for another child in the medical aspect of things, and not in God. I need to put all my hopes in HIM!!! He's the only one that can bless us, right?!

I think this weekend was the best thing that could have happend. It gave me time to think and meditate and refocus my attention where it is suppose to be. On God!

Thoughts

So I have been reading a book about fertility issues when a thought crossed my mind. I am a God fearing woman of of faith, and I believe that God answers prayers spoken and unspoken.

When I started this TTC journey over a yr ago I had one question. After almost miscarrying my DD twice and the both of us almost dying during labor. The endless prayers, fighting, and begging God to keep her alive. How could I ever love a child equally to the way I love my daughter?

Could the reason I am fighting to get pregnant now, and the reason my heart is broken into a million tiny pieces each cycle... Is so God can put my heart back together even bigger than before with the same amount of love for another child???

I'm all out

So this whole week I have been getting nothing but negatives on HPTs. It really hit hard today that we are not going to be pregnant this month either. I am happy that the Clomid is working, but my heart is breaking because I really thought this month was going to be IT. I thought that all I needed was the Clomid and BAM I would get that beautiful positive HPT. WRONG! I guess we all have to try, try, try again... But at which point do you think.... should I try one more time....

Agh so aggravated

Had to take my car to the shop tonight. When I drive it sounds like metal grinding against metal. Then get a rental car, then get dinner. I am just now getting home from work, almost 4 hours later. Woo hoo, not! All well, at least I got to me with my hubby and daughter, :)

~My Heart~

Oh Lord, My heart has grown weary,

where is the one you've created for me.

Up in heaven or here on earth,

My heart it cries for birth.

The birth of a relationship sent from above,

my prayers are flying on the wings of doves.

Praying for that special day,

when you'll send him on his way.

See, my heart has been dismembered,

crushed, manipulated, and shattered.

But if I've learned anything, I've learned this much,

life is full of joy, there is no need to rush.

Lord its on your time,

not on mine.

Whatever you do,

Lord, know that I love you.

You are the one that I long for,

Lord, the one one that I adore.

Your way is perfect,

in every way and aspect.

I'll trust you with my heart

and follow faithfully to the part,

when you join us together,

under your law forever.

I will not hesitate,

I will stay silent and wait.

Lord I will worship you,

and continue to sing of everything you do.

I know your faithful to do your part,

all I have to do is ask, and you'll give me the desires of my heart.

So I'll continue to love you,

and do what you ask me to.

I Will Follow

The Lord is my shepherd,

I will walk with Him.

Following close behind,

even when the lights are dim.

Through haze or fog,

rain and snow

the path you've written

Is the one I'll follow

Your joys surrounds me,

it overflows my being.

Your passion for me,

breaks me to my knees.

For you know my life,

and the road I follow.

You know my heart, 

and all my troubles.

You count my days,

and write my path.

Through times of trials,

Your peace I have.

I will seek your face,

and practice your ways.

I will follow you, Lord.

All of my days.

~His Love~

Do you want to feel His glory

Do you want His warm embrace

It doesn't matter where you meet Him,

Just meet him at the place

Where you can find comfort in your soul

Where your love is never growin' old

Where you can find joy to behold

Where He never leaves you in the cold

Do you understand His love,

Do you understand his comfort.

There is no place you'd rather be,

Then in the arms of J.C.

Meet Him at the cross,

Meet Him under the tree.

It doesn't matter where you meet Him,

In your heart is where He'll be.

The Lamb of Righteousness

My love awaken from your slumber,

Arise and greet the Son.

He is here to take your hand,

And lead you on the path of forgiveness.

Arise and greet the Son,

to live in His warm embrace.

He is here to give eternal life,

and comfort His eternal bride.

Always and forever,

never to perish,

To live and never part,

are the desires of His heart.

Open your heart and receive Him,

He desires to live in you.

Awaken from your slumber, and greet your lover.

Believe me there is no other.

The joy of the Son is here,

walk in joy, and have no fear.

He's full of humor, and full of grace,

if you don't believe me its in His face.

Rest in His arms,

Feel the tenderness of His caress.

This is the One you've longed for,

The Lamb Of Righteousness.

~Created In Love~

Come my child, let me tell you about myself.
I am your creator, your father up here in the clouds.
You are the sparkle that shines in my eyes,
the one I look after both day and night.

I made you with my hands,
and avoided your selfish demands.
Like the ones for a smaller nose,
and longer hair I suppose.

I am in grief, my heart in pain,
when you speak out my name
cursing the features I've created for you.
They are planned in perfection,
and made just for you.

See, the features you despise,
are the ones that I like.
The bump on your nose,
is as perfect as perfect can go.

Your round little tummy,
I fill with my honey.
And your long lanky arms,
I caress with all charm.

Every word that is negative,
everything you disgrace,
even though you don't mean to,
its a slap in my face.

Don't be so hateful,
enjoy what you have.
You were created in perfection,
with my very own hands.

Gifts are a blessing,
like humor and grace.
The things I enjoy most,
are the features I've made.

Do not be ashamed
of the creation I've made.
You were created in perfection above.
My dear child, you were created in love.

Between You and Me

You woke me up this morning,

with a simple prayer.

You showed me love and comfort,

of always being there.

Your love, oh Lord, is the strength I need,

It feels up mountains that run deep,

it overflows the deepest ocean,

and calms the raging sea.

Your there in my darkest moments,

to hold and comfort me.

Your here with lots of laughter,

for everything you see.

You created every sunset,

every bird and tree,

for the look of happiness

on my face for thee.

You awake me in the morning,

with love and tenderness, and care that plain to see,

calling my name, ever so gently,

with a day for you and me.

Poetry

The following post are poems that I have written over the years. Please ready with an open heart and mind. I pray that God will use these to touch your heart.

Tired....

I am so tired and exhausted.... I have managed to help my family welcome my new niece Breeanna into this world by taking care of her older sister Lily. I managed to do this without any emotional breakdowns. I am not envious of my sister by any means, my heart just hurts because my arms are empty. If anyone were to have told me even 2 yrs ago that trying to conceive my second child was going to be difficult I would have told them they were lying. But 14 months down this road of ttc I can tell you this is very difficult, emotionally draining, and physically tiring. Oh how I long for the day that I can tell my husband we finally did it, we are finally pregnant. I long to bring another child into this world. I know that God's timing is perfect, and I am willing to continue to pray for another addition to our family until that day is here.

And So It Begins!!!!!

I am usually not good at keeping a journal. Usually because I get really busy and forget or am just too tired at the end of the day to do anything but sleep. As a mother of a 7 yr old DD it can be a long, busy but excitement filled day.

However I have been one stressed out woman for the past year, and at my attempt to always lessen the stress I am under, I have decided to try to keep a journal. I am promising myself that it is okay to not write in it everyday.

A lot of my stress stems from a diagnosis DD received a yr ago. DD was referred to a genetic specialist in Jan of 2011 due to some cafe au lait spots on her. Cafe au lait spots are linked to a genetic illness called Neurofibromatosis. This is a very rare, uncurable, intreatable illness that cause mainly benign but can be malignant tumors to gorw anywhere on the inside and outside of the body. The genetic specialist referred us to the opthomologist to see if DD had any of these tumors in her eyes. DD went in March and the dr found 3 tumors in one eye and 2 tumors in the other...

Here I am trying to look brave for my DD who has had every possible thing inserted into her eye. Trying to pretend that this is normal. That doctors do this to normal people all the time.. As the doctor looked into by baby girls eyes, made a deep sigh, looked at me and then back at my daughter and nodded his head. I lost it... I had to excuse myself saying "Mommy is just crying cause I have to pee really bad, and I will be right back" I left the exam room and fell to my knees in shock and anger. My brother who was there in the waiting room had to literally help be into a chair.

How is it possible that this little girl, that I almost miscarried twice, and both of us almost died when I was in labor with her, a child who has been through the divorce of her parents, be given such another enormous thing on her plate. Can't this child catch a break?!?

I spoke to my current DH (who btw is more than a dad to DD than her own father is) about the situation and TTC. I didnt want another child if this genetic illness is carried on my side. I felt responsible for my DD having this illness, and if I had another child knowing that this illness is on my side I deffinatly would be responsible. It is a 50% chance to pass this illness onto offspring. This illness has the potential to be a deadly illness. It would be like having HIV and choosing to have a child and passing it along... completely in my opinion irresponsible, and I didnt want to do that to another child. I cant bare to see my DD with this illness let alone another child.

So I went through the genetic screening. I am happy to say that the illness does not run on my side. So DH and I have been TTC for 13 months now in total, but TTC for 5 months since we found out I dont have this illness, and we are having issues conceveing. I am angry about this. I feel like I did the responsible thing, in getting tested and making sure this illness does not run on my side, just to run into road blocks... Can my family not possibly catch a break here?????

I have been seeing a wonderful doctor since Nov who is just as determined to get my pregnant as we are. I started Clomid this month, and now am just waiting to see what happens. I want so badly to conceive our child the first month on treatment, but am realistic to understand that this is not likely. But I remain hopeful.