I am usually not good at keeping a journal. Usually because I get really busy and forget or am just too tired at the end of the day to do anything but sleep. As a mother of a 7 yr old DD it can be a long, busy but excitement filled day.
However I have been one stressed out woman for the past year, and at my attempt to always lessen the stress I am under, I have decided to try to keep a journal. I am promising myself that it is okay to not write in it everyday.
A lot of my stress stems from a diagnosis DD received a yr ago. DD was referred to a genetic specialist in Jan of 2011 due to some cafe au lait spots on her. Cafe au lait spots are linked to a genetic illness called Neurofibromatosis. This is a very rare, uncurable, intreatable illness that cause mainly benign but can be malignant tumors to gorw anywhere on the inside and outside of the body. The genetic specialist referred us to the opthomologist to see if DD had any of these tumors in her eyes. DD went in March and the dr found 3 tumors in one eye and 2 tumors in the other...
Here I am trying to look brave for my DD who has had every possible thing inserted into her eye. Trying to pretend that this is normal. That doctors do this to normal people all the time.. As the doctor looked into by baby girls eyes, made a deep sigh, looked at me and then back at my daughter and nodded his head. I lost it... I had to excuse myself saying "Mommy is just crying cause I have to pee really bad, and I will be right back" I left the exam room and fell to my knees in shock and anger. My brother who was there in the waiting room had to literally help be into a chair.
How is it possible that this little girl, that I almost miscarried twice, and both of us almost died when I was in labor with her, a child who has been through the divorce of her parents, be given such another enormous thing on her plate. Can't this child catch a break?!?
I spoke to my current DH (who btw is more than a dad to DD than her own father is) about the situation and TTC. I didnt want another child if this genetic illness is carried on my side. I felt responsible for my DD having this illness, and if I had another child knowing that this illness is on my side I deffinatly would be responsible. It is a 50% chance to pass this illness onto offspring. This illness has the potential to be a deadly illness. It would be like having HIV and choosing to have a child and passing it along... completely in my opinion irresponsible, and I didnt want to do that to another child. I cant bare to see my DD with this illness let alone another child.
So I went through the genetic screening. I am happy to say that the illness does not run on my side. So DH and I have been TTC for 13 months now in total, but TTC for 5 months since we found out I dont have this illness, and we are having issues conceveing. I am angry about this. I feel like I did the responsible thing, in getting tested and making sure this illness does not run on my side, just to run into road blocks... Can my family not possibly catch a break here?????
I have been seeing a wonderful doctor since Nov who is just as determined to get my pregnant as we are. I started Clomid this month, and now am just waiting to see what happens. I want so badly to conceive our child the first month on treatment, but am realistic to understand that this is not likely. But I remain hopeful.
No comments:
Post a Comment