Update

I know its been a while since I have posted anything.... Being a mom can get really busy sometimes... and things just fall to the waist side....

Update: I found out on March 28th that we are expecting our long awaited bundle of joy. Our due date is Dec 7th. YAY!!!! Today I am 14 weeks.... and in my 2nd trimester.... I am sporting my baby bump proudly... :)

We have an ultrasound on July 3rd... and if the baby cooperates we will find out if its a boy or a girl!!! I am so excited and cant wait.... :)

2nd Round of Clomid

So this month I started my second round of Clomid. I am currently 6DPO. On 4DPO I had some cramping that would not release, the cramping continued for about 45 mins. Then on 5DPO I felt twinges in my uterus. If I could imagine what electric twinges in your uterus would feel like, that would be it. That was off and on most of the day. I also felt some pulling and heaviness. Today at 6DPO I felt more "electric" twinges and had some very light spotting. Not sure if it was implantation bleeding or not. I am trying not to be hopeful because I am afraid that it will end in heart break. But I was reminded by a friend that it is okay to be hopeful. God knows the desires of my heart, and He is faithful to provide them.

I also received a text message from my mom, who also is my pastor. That message said "Your break through us in the way because your redeemer lives!"

Now this means so much to me. My mom does not text message me while I am at work very often. Let alone text message me messages like this. Needless to say I was in tears. Oh God, how I yearn and ache to expand my family. How I long to be pregnant and bear a child. Please help us. For it is only you that can bless us with a child to expand our family. Amen,

What TTC is like.....

Here is a little comparison to what I feel TTC is like.... (get ready to laugh)

TTC is like a child on Christmas morning. We wait all night for Santa to come. We go to bed early in hopes that Santa will soon arrive and leave us our special and prized loot. We wake up extra early in the morning, before anyone could muster a "get back to bed" and "OOOHHH" and "AAAHHHHH" over what is under our tree. We run and wake EVERYONE up , just so we can undo that beautiful wrapping. The first gift we choose, the excitement and anticipation is built, we open it up only to find.... pants. The next gift anticipation and excitment builds again only to find..... a shirt. And this journey continues until that last present. Its hidden way behind the christmas tree. You know..... the one where you have to get on your belly and scoot under the tree..... and stretch every muscle in your body, you stretch your finger tips.... and.... you..... got.... it!! There now its in your hands... Now for you, your a little weary to open the gift, because time after time it has not met your anticipations. So, with a reluctant heart you open it. Only to find that the gift, that precious little trinket that awaits your glimpse, is the very gift you have been waiting all night and all morning to open.

The only difference between Christmas and TTC, is that the gifts are pregnancy test. And the "Giver" is God.

Sunday's Healing Service

I know we all want things in our timing, but I am learning even with medical help it is still in God's hands... That doesnt mean that I dont take my medicine, it just means that I dont put ALL of my FAITH in medicine. I can use the medicine and still put my faith in God.

Yesterday at church we had a Healing Service for Lent. I started my Clomid on Friday. So needless to say I am already emotional . I cried the WHOLE SERVICE. Like in tears looking for kleenex anywhere, crying. (there were no kleenex to be found btw) But I felt a sense of physical healing throughout the service, and something in my lower abdomen actually popped (kinda like a giant bubble that burst, but it didn’t hurt) It was actually a little weird, and I haven’t told anyone about that. But I feel like God was healing what medicine had not found.

When the pastor (my mom) gave an alter call for people to come up and receive prayers of healing... my husband and I went up for prayer. During prayer my mom looks at me and says "It’s already on the way" (I was bawling) But I left service yesterday feeling renewed, refreshed, and hopeful!!! What an amazing God we serve, for He loves us so much that he knows our heart and our plans, and still says "Baby, let me do this for you. Let me bless you"

It still hurts sometimes, but I know God's plan is better than my own. We are so blessed to be loved by such an amazing God!

Letting go, and trusting God!

My temp has dropped a lot so I am pretty sure that I am out. AF should be here tomorrow. But you know what I'm okay with it. This weekend I have realized that I had my hopes in the wrong thing. The only thing I should have my hopes in is God! I still need to take my meds and follow what the dr says and leave it at that. So next cycle is going to be different.

I am only temping to confirm O, after that no more. It was way to stressful for me. I need to learn to just let it go.

Its ok. Im really ok.... Now that I had this weekend to think and meditate on whats really going on.

I truly feel like God is allowing this to take longer so that way He can refine my heart and make it even bigger, so that I can love another child as much as I love my daughter and my best friend. As hard as it is for me to say, I think this is the best way God could do that. Maybe the only way. Everything happens for a reason, and I really believe this is only part of the reason. The other part is that I have been putting my hopes for another child in the medical aspect of things, and not in God. I need to put all my hopes in HIM!!! He's the only one that can bless us, right?!

I think this weekend was the best thing that could have happend. It gave me time to think and meditate and refocus my attention where it is suppose to be. On God!

Thoughts

So I have been reading a book about fertility issues when a thought crossed my mind. I am a God fearing woman of of faith, and I believe that God answers prayers spoken and unspoken.

When I started this TTC journey over a yr ago I had one question. After almost miscarrying my DD twice and the both of us almost dying during labor. The endless prayers, fighting, and begging God to keep her alive. How could I ever love a child equally to the way I love my daughter?

Could the reason I am fighting to get pregnant now, and the reason my heart is broken into a million tiny pieces each cycle... Is so God can put my heart back together even bigger than before with the same amount of love for another child???

I'm all out

So this whole week I have been getting nothing but negatives on HPTs. It really hit hard today that we are not going to be pregnant this month either. I am happy that the Clomid is working, but my heart is breaking because I really thought this month was going to be IT. I thought that all I needed was the Clomid and BAM I would get that beautiful positive HPT. WRONG! I guess we all have to try, try, try again... But at which point do you think.... should I try one more time....